Isn't it funny how in one instant you can feel so secure in your life and in the next instant be totally lost? It's actually not really funny at all. It's pretty scary. I'm lost. I have no idea what I'm doing or what I'm going to do. I feel like everything has gone to crap. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Have you ever felt like everyone around you has it together and they have everything they could ever need or want? They have an ideal life and you hate them for it. The rational side of me knows that every one has their issues and nobody has a perfect life and I'm also aware that I have a charmed life compared to others, but I feel like the irrational me has been winning more battles lately. Most days I day dream of running away to Greece, never to be heard from again. I want out. I don't want to be working a job anymore where the customers bark at me and treat me like shit. I'm surrounded by selfish, self-involved people and I'm becoming the same way. It's like eat or be eaten. I know that it's mostly my own choices that have put me in this place but I feel stuck in this totally self-destructive pattern and I can't break out of it.
On Sundays, I work the whole day by myself and it's really slow. Mostly I get people asking for stuff for free or asking when the 22 bus is coming.
Rage.
It has turned into the day where I sit and stare out the window and rage and stress and worry and create a new ulcer. Lately when I allow myself to sit and think, all thoughts are negative. Sometimes there are flashes of inspiration and hope, but it's mostly the crap. So instead of spinning on the negative, today I decided to let some of it go here. Hopefully this will make way for some more productive thinking. Thanks.
